I am now an astronaut

I have completed space camp at Kennedy Space Center. I am now a full fledged astronaut. Here’s how the rest of it went down.

Since Disney (my former employer*) had a ride entitled “NASA: Mission to Mars” we were given a free pass to see the ride and all the rest of Epcot center. Disney makes me a bit nauseous anyway, but if you combine that with a giant centrifuge ride, I was lucky to keep all my previously eaten food where it belonged. We survived this day by finding a sports bar where we could watch the European cup while drinking overpriced beers.

The next day we had “dinner with an Astronaut” with Jon McBride, a retired space shuttle pilot. I didn’t actually see him arrive, but I like to think he either landed a fighter jet in the parking lot or just parachuted in. He gave a presentation related to why he is awesome, after which, we were able to ask questions. I was able to ask several important questions such as, “How does your training before a mission prepare you for the extremely high levels of awesomeness that you are exposed to?” He could not answer fully since that was classified. I’m pretty sure that in Houston there is an “Awesome Simulator” that most of mankind is just not ready to deal with yet.

The next day we went kayaking and I saw a manatee (a sea cow). This had nothing to do with space. It did make me realize however, that on a Florida license plate you can have either a picture of a sea cow, the space shuttle, oranges, wading birds, sea turtles, dolphins, or Hulk Hogan. In fact, most Republicans in the state claim the main reason they need to keep prison levels at capacity is just to keep up with the license plate demand.

All in all it was a highly educational week. Now I’m off to Kentucky, the land of bourbon and horses. I will do my best not to combine the two.

* I am proud to say that I worked at the ride “It’s a Small World.” Obviously, I needed the experience to strengthen my resume.

Space Camp

I’m at space camp. The US federal government has provided funding for overseas flame bearers of truth like myself to learn about space exploration. Thus, I am spending the week here at Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Florida. Here are the highlights so far.

• Rocket Garden: When rockets don’t get used, NASA parks them in their visitors center. Due to this, there are about 10 rockets on display, all of them standing upright, in all their phallic glory, proclaiming the awesomeness of the US space program. The only two things that could make the rocket garden any better is if one, they combined the rocket garden with a beer garden, and two, they had a Saturn V* rocket also on display. Unfortunately, there are no spare “most powerful rocket known to man” lying around.

• The Space Shuttle: We got to visit the space shuttle Endeavor (actually known as an orbiter), in it’s preparation bay. It was a little hard to see, since about 300 rocket scientists were all busy doing whatever it is you do to the most complex machine known to man. Unfortunately, I was not allowed to touch the Endeavor, as NASA reports that in the past, they have had problems with visitors wetting themselves.

• The Future: NASA people spoke to us about the plan to put astronauts back on the moon in 2020 through the Constellation program, using the Ares rocket system. This will become “on-like-donkey-kong” after the Space Shuttles are decommissioned in 2010 (yes, that’s a direct quote). Here is a sweet NASA animation
of the Ares rocket! (click on Constellation Mission, New Spacesuits)

That’s all for now.

* This is the rocket that put people on the moon during the Apollo program. It ran on pure testosterone.

How to Make Speakers

Making a speaker out of something like a paper plate, and then hearing it play music from your ipod is a life changing experience, as hopefully you can tell from the pictures above. If you use something even more exciting like a hat as your speaker, people start passing out from the awesomeness.

Here’s how it’s done.
1. Using coated wire, make a small coil, and strip the ends.
2. Tape the coil to something light and stiff. Cups, stryofoam, and cardboard all work well.
3. Take the + and - output wires from a stereo amplifier and connect them to your wire coil. I recommend you add some resistance to the circuit to protect your amplifier.
4. Connect your ipod to your stereo input.
5. Hold a strong magnet behind the coil and speaker.
6. Revel in the scientific splendor.